On washing one's pet…

Thanks to Mac for this glorious post:

Dear Pet Owner,

Cats and Dogs need different handling techniques...

Dog Washing Instructions

1. Wait for a hot Summer day. (Do not wash in Winter.)
2. Outside, turn on grass sprinkler.
3. When dog finishes playing with sprinkler, give dog big juicy bone to chew on until dog is done drying.

The 12 Step Cat Washing Program

1. First, thoroughly clean the toilet, remove the topmost lid covering the tank of water, and turn off the cold-water hose to the toilet.

2. Next, warm up 4 gallons of water to bath temperature. Flush, and add half the water to the tank.

3. Then, raise both lids, add the rest of the water directly to the toilet bowl, and add an ample amount of shampoo to the water.

4. Find a ball of string and entice the cat into the bathroom.

5. Close the bathroom door, and continue petting the cat.

6. In one swift move, pick up the cat, and drop the cat into the toilet bowl, closing both lids.

7. Jump on top of the toilet lid to prevent the cat from escaping.

8. CAUTION: Avoid placing any of your body parts near the edge of the toilet to avoid flailing claws reaching between the toilet and lid.

9. The cat will self-agitate and generate ample sudsing action. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)

10. Flush the toilet twice for a quick rinse or 4 times for an effective power rinse cycle, depending on the cat's fur cleaning needs.

11. Clear a path of open doors from the toilet to outside, and then jump off of the lid. CAUTION: Jump away from the bathroom door.

12. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet to the outside. Air dry time: about 20 minutes.

Yours sincerely,
The Dog